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I’m a man! It’s in my very being to stand up! Click here to read more
But I only wanna wee! Click here to read more
That’s a ‘what’ type of toilet? Click here to read more
Quick chukka of bingo anyone? Click here to read more
Less bovver, when you don’t hovver Click here to read more
Wooden spoons! Are you sure that’s wise? Click here to read more

Crap just got sexy! Click here to read more

I’m a man! It’s in my very being to stand up!
We can tell some guys genuinely believe that it is a birthright to stand up to pee, by the way they look at you and smile as we hand them the spoon. Its not a, ‘thanks for the pointer’ or ‘you’re kinda hot spoon lady, I’ll do anything you say’. It’s more like a ‘stuff that, I always stand up and what’s more I’m gonna piss everywhere coz you offended my manhood’ kind of a look and smile! Well I’m afraid guys, that the hard and fast rule for ALL is to take thy backside and plant it firmly down upon the seat. Yes even you boys. I'm sure you can write your name with your wee or fill a laundry basket from 10 paces when you're drunk, with the light off (although that begs the question, if the light were on, would you be doing it in the first place?!) but there is no call for those type of antics at Comfy Crappers! Take a seat fellas, enjoy a sit down, no doubt you'll walk miles over a weekend so make the most of a clean seat!
Holy Mary, Mother of Jesus, it doesn't seem to matter how many years you have been peeing standing up, you can’t help but liberally attempt to do the decorating with it!! In this particular case, as you would look at our toilet seat, that means down the blue funnel hole not into the box, which is of course what you aim for but then the wee is going down into the main box and that’s really no good either coz it messes with the composting ju-ju man! Down the funnel is good, into the box or all over the seat is bad. Up the walls and round the hills and houses is a serious no no! Sitting down means that you are in the easy position as it were and shouldn’t even have to give it any further thought! Instead you could ponder on such things like ‘I wonder if they do this with extras?’ or ‘when might they get dominatrix cleaners?’. Think we’re clear now!

But I only wanna wee!
We charge by the visit and yes we do charge the same per visit whether you are doing a number one or a number two. Ok lets put it like this, a scenario for you to ponder. You’re at a festival, you’ve made it to the front of the Comfy Crappers morning queue, your cool factor and dignity still intact, and then you say;
“ I would like to goto the toilet please”. To which the lovely Comfy Crappers person would say, “of course that’s £2.50 please, for a single”. “But I only want a wee!” you reply. At which point the Comfy Crappers person yells out the door, pronouncing it to the entire congregation, “BING BONG! Kevin, pisser coming up for you in number 10, get the clip board!” and turning back to you, smiles and adds, “that’s £1.50 please.”
And oh how we laffed! I would agree it is a sad state of affairs not being able to trust people when they say they only want a wee but this is going on past experience I'm afraid! Besides all this, ‘saving the planet’ business costs and we clean each toilet thoroughly anyway, whatever you used it for. We may run the ‘Poo Village’ but it is far above the call of duty, even for us, to have to stand outside your lav with a clipboard checking what you have produced, and charge accordingly, if you get my drift!
We would suggest that if you absolutely cannot face the other toilets or you think you will be visiting us frequently then we recommend the wristband to our ‘Frequent Flyers’. You pay once and can use the facilities all weekend and usually Monday morning. Look at the Customer reviews to see that our patrons thought it was a great investment. You may even attain the heady heights of receiving a hand made Comfy Crappers Frequent-Flyers Rosette. A coveted trophy made over the festival out of all sorts of things. Quite an accolade to go home with! Back to top.

That’s a ‘what’ type of toilet?
Another thing to point out is that although you can see down into the box, these are NOT drop pit toilets. They are composting toilets and although we appreciate that many people have phobic fears surrounding toilets (4 million unlucky people in the UK) by their very nature it is tricky to design them in such a way so that you cannot see the deposits inside. Although there's plenty of straw and sawdust down the box, I would recommend that you simply don't look down. Just sit down safe in the knowledge that the seat is clean, read the humorous factoids and get on with your business. After all, the alternative is far worse! Back to top.

Quick chukka of bingo anyone?
The highlight of the day is morning sessions of duff prize bingo. No money is exchanged this is purely a little fun to entertain the morning queue. Well that and the fact that we love bingo and wheeling out our hostess trolley of prizes galore. When we say prizes we actually mean duff and gaudy nik-naks we clear from charity shops, items they do not have a hope in heaven of selling, constituting as prizes. It’s a bit of fun. We really hope to get the Comfy Crappers pop mobility classes off the pad this summer. Spandex, spandex spandex! Back to top.

Wooden spoons! Are you sure that’s wise?

Oh the Wooden spoons! We use wooden spoons to lock the doors. They are numbered so that people know which toilet to use and we know which ones to clean, amongst other reasons. There have been some mutterings in the ranks about spoons and hygiene. As of this season we will disinfect the spoons frequently throughout service, but we will remind everyone, the last two things you are meant to do when leaving Comfy Crappers is, no.1 hand spoon back in and no.2 sanitise your hands! Trust us you guys we have risk assessed the processes of using MANY public toilets! Oh yes we’re at it all the time. Think about it, the flush is automatic in some of them but then you have to touch the same lock as everyone else. Then you wash your hands but have to touch the door handles that have been touched by all the people who haven't washed their hands. Could go on but you probably get the point! We don't want to be too anal about it but Hello...you're at a festival usually unclean anyway and probably eating and drinking God knows what and of course all the excitement and all, so touching a wooden spoon is probably the least of your worries. Of course the other solution is...stop putting your fingers in your mouth silly bollocks!! Back to top.

Crap just got sexy!
Due to surprisingly high levels of demand from you guys last year, lovin our staff black hoodies and t’s we now sell ‘em! Not only can you purchase yourself a Loo Bandits 2009 t-shirt but you can personalize it. If you are going in a group you can buy from a cheaper range and have team t-shirts printed at a more reasonable cost, just for fun and a momento of the festival to keep and wear, even if it is in bed! You can buy hoodies, t-shirts and beanies at present. You can fully customize them. There are more flattering fits for the ladies. You can securely purchase on line and have it sent directly to your home (make sure your orders are in way ahead of the event, just in case) or you can order from us at the festival. Back to top.

What about squatters’ rights?
The hard and fast rule for ALL is to take thy backside and plant it firmly down upon the seat. Yes even you boys (see I’m a man! It’s in my very being to stand up!) We also ask people NOT to do the squatting thing. You may have practiced this on your travels abroad or maybe you come from abroad where this is common practice but it causes mishaps in our type of lavatory and there really is no need to hover, they are probably the most cleaned toilets in the whole land. Please trust us when we say that mishaps and toilets do not mix! We strive to keep our facilities clean and ask that if you ever find a throne in a sorry state, come and tell us so we can remedy the situation immediately. By squatting not only does the wee go in all the wrong places invariably but ruddy dirty great hoof marks are left for us to clean. Endeavoring to clean the toilets after every second or third person is no mean feet and the task is drastically slowed down, by cleaning up after peoples’ feet! Back to top.


 
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