Q Are they clean?
A They most certainly are! We’re passionate about it! Members of the Loo Bandits are cleaning the loos all the time day and night. We reckon each throne is cleansed after about every second or third visitor, sometimes more frequently. We use industrial eco-friendly cleaning products so despite them being kind to the Earth they are not kind on dirt.
• “Lovely clean and comfy very impressed Thanks” Cornbury 2008
• “Super service, you all deserve a medal. My Mum was a stickler for clean toilets and so as she has just died I had to write the above on her behalf” Sara x Camp Bestival 2008
• “Thank you it was lovely to have a sit down in comfortableness!” Bex x Big Chill 2007
• “Wow soooo clean. Best toilet I’ve had all week thank you” Ting Electric Picnic 2007
• “I nearly fell asleep in the jacks that’s how comfy I was.” Electric Picnic 2008
• “An oasis of loveliness in a sea of shit!” xx Bestival 2008
• “Thank you that was so much nicer than any festival loo so far” xx Bestival 2007
• “Cleaner than your average big bear toilet.” Crazy Dave, Stourport –on-Severn Electric Picnic 2007
• “Brilliant bogs, nice and clean, fabuloso!!!” Download 2007
• “Awesome crappers, top notch!” Download 2007

Q How come they don’t smell bad for big boxes of poo?
A Because the flue system takes all the bad gas smells up and away. Sometimes in the morning there can be nasty niffs about if the loos are busy (the results of some people having too much beer and curry the night before) but this is nothing drastic and many people still comment they don’t smell, it really depends on the person and also the festival it seems. It’s a bit like many bathrooms on a Saturday morning in the house of any full red-blooded male, ‘you’ll wanna give that five minutes!’ Needless to say we should start up a small franchise in josticks.
• “Clean smelling toilet! A first for the festivals. We loved them x” Oxegen 2006
• “They really don’t smell!! Great! Mud,…what mud? Rain…noooo!” Glastonbury 2007
• “We’re camped right next to you and they don’t smell! What a refreshing change!” Tibs and Sara xxx Cornbury 2008
• “While the porta loos are stinking after 3 days the CC’s are still sweet, lovely” Camp Bestival 2008
• “Well done for not making it smell” Bob Camp Bestival 2008
• “We like your toilets because they are made of wood, you get a spoon, they’re not stinky” Gracie aged 4 Camp Bestival 2008
• “Smells a bit weird but good weird!” Camp Bestival 2008

Q Can we look in one before committing?
A Yes, we’ll show you one, give you a little tour and you can ask any questions you may have.

Q Why do we have to pay?
A It costs a colossal amount to bring you these fine facilities, run it the way we do and compost the waste in a safe environment. Despite wanting us to be there, many festivals will not or cannot pay our full costs for being there and whilst we might love to perfect living on fresh air, it just ain’t possible. We do try to keep our fees reasonable and do deals on the 3 Plop Pounds and 7 Brown Crowns.

• “Best £13 spent yet – great investment” Bestival 2007
• “Best £2 I ever spent! I could’ve sat there all day! Outstanding :n) big love” Bestival 2008
• “Best £2 spent ever!” :n) V Chelmsford 2006
• “Best crap ever!!! Worth every penny” Electric Picnic 2008
• “You can’t put a price on hygiene! Excellent, great idea. Thank you so much” Kim xx Oxegen 2006
• “Better than sex!! Worth every penny and absolute delight!” Big Chill 2007
• “Worth every penny – a bit of comfort – nothing like it. Thanks to helpful friendly staff you made me laugh!” Big Chill 2008
• “Thank you so much the idea is amazing xxxx Best deal at this festival! So worth the money” : - ) Big Chill 2007
• “I’m delighted to be a fully paid up member of the Comfy Crappers Club!!” Suz Big Chill 2008
• “Best £10 ever spent” Ellie and Millie North Wales x Big Chill 2008

Q What are the wooden spoons for?
A They tell us which loo is empty and can be cleaned, they tell you which loo to go to, the spoon then is used to lock the door. The spoon lock confuses many people, it’s so simple when we show you how and you feel simple when we show you how…everyone does!

Q Are the spoons safe?
A As we always say, ‘how did you pay?’ They reply ‘with cash’. We say, ‘how many people who haven’t washed their hands after using the toilet or scratching their arse do you think had touched that money?’ That’s where they glaze over! The whole point is that the last thing you do AFTER handing the spoon back in and before you leave is to sanitise your hands with the gel we use. As of this season we will be wiping the spoon handles more frequently with disinfectant throughout service and staff are very careful about our own habits and the order we clean a toilet in as a matter of course. If you are still concerned please click on the ‘Wooden spoons! Do you think that’s wise?’ box on the basics/home page.

Q How do you lock this dam door?
A With the spoon handle through the holes in the door frame in front of you, abit above your knees as you sit down, right by the arrows written on the door saying spoon you loon! Yes right there! That’s it now you’ve got it!

Q Where’s the flush?
A There isn’t one. We do not have any need to use water; it is wasteful and polluting to our most precious resource. We throw down sawdust into the box, and hay or straw once a day, fruit and veg peelings etc. This all helps the composting mixture.

Q Why can you see the mess in the box?
A Because you’re looking down the hole! Because we do not have water we cannot have a substance that sticks like sh*t doing just that in a traditional loo bowl. People do not know what to expect and yes you can see down the hole but it is quite dark in the box plus the fact that we keep it looking pleasant down there.

Q What does composting toilet mean?
A It means essentially that you poo in a box, we take the boxes home and compost the contents in the same way people compost their food waste in funny shape black bins at the end of the garden, the dung heap at horse stables or grass clippings. Very basically, the organic matter breaks down, goes through a heat process, changes structure and look and ends up like any compost similar to what you buy in bags to grow plants in, from garden centers.

Q Why are there no papers or magazines?
A We used to put them in but it was felt that they became too much of a hygiene worry. Lets just say they got abit soggy! For the love of God not only can some men not listen or read but those men also cannot seem to aim very well either, or they thought ‘cheeky mare asking me to sit down to pee, what an insult to my manhood’ and decided to piss on the paper! Please men take the weight off, relax and HEAVENS GAMURGATROID JUST SIT THE F** DOWN!

Q Why do men have to sit down?
A Because that’s the way it works, the wee has to go down the blue funnel at the front not straight down into the box. If you need any more reason refer to above.

Q Do you know there are several spelling mistakes on the fact sheets?
A No, absolutely no one at all has ever mentioned it, not once, thanks for pointing that out, I’ll get right on it!

Q What time are you open?
A If we’re in the arena we have to go by the standard times for those events. If we are in the campsite areas we usually open somewhere between 7am and 8am.

Q What time are you closed?
A As per above for arenas and in campsites we close anywhere from 12am to 4am depending on demand.

Q Do you open on the Monday morning?
A Yes we do. We aim to open at 7am if it’s physically possible (being up and down more times than a fiddlers elbow can really take it out of you by that point) and close at 10 or 11am sharp and no later than that time due to site restrictions on our pack-down.

Q Where are the showers?
A That way!

Q Do you sell painkillers?
A Yes we do, and plasters, tissues, lip balm with a sun bloc stick attached, ladies sanitary thingamies and much more.

Q Do you sell sanitary towels and tampons?
A We give out singles to ladies using our loos. We can sell you enough to tied you over and direct you to a reliable source if we don’t have enough.

Q Can two people use a wristband?
A No they cannot, its one wristband per person and no swapping over. Unless I master teleportation and my money tree goes bazurk that is how it will remain of course.

Q Why are you changing my wristband?
A If it looks like it is so loose you are in danger of loosing it or getting it caught on something we change it. If it looks stretched or damaged in any way we shall replace it immediately.

Q Does this wristband make me a VIP?
A In our eyes, very important pooers, always! Whilst we’re grateful for your supporting what we do, we’re sorry to say that if there is a queue, the wristband does not permit you to jump to the front. The wristband enables us to pass a better deal onto the customers who are our true fans. We do attempt to entertain the queue with bingo when time allows. We welcome any suggestions you may have for new activities. We would like to see the introduction of ‘poop pop mobility’ to get those bowels ready for action and you set for your day, team quizzes and human dog shows.

Q Can I jump the queue?
A I wouldn’t try it if I were you the three pensive women behind look like they would floor you in an instant. For little children who are absolutely busting or anyone in actual physical danger of having an undignified accident do just come straight to the front. I’m sure no one would mind, they would hate to be in the same position I’m sure!

Q Do children pay?
A No they do not if they are obviously children or if they are slightly older and with their parents. This is at our discretion.

Q Do pregnant ladies pay?
A Obviously pregnant women do not have to pay? Without bulges or requesting you pee on a ‘clear blue’ test stick we cannot be sure who is and isn’t pregnant but we love helping out any expectant mum we just cannot be inundated with a host of phantom pregnancies so if you are in the early stages and peeing like a race horse come and have a chat, see what we can do. Obviously this is also at our discretion.

Q I have urinary infection/IBS, can you help me?
A Yes we can, get in touch via email before an event or come ask and we can have a discreet chat.

Q I have crones disease/colitis can you help me?
A Yes we can, see as per above.

Q I’m a diabetic, can you help?
A Yes we can. We can provide a private place where you can inject insulin or do blood tests. Should you require any further assistance do always ask.

Q I wear contact lenses can you help?
A Yes we can. We can provide a clean area and mirrors for you to change your lenses.

Q What happens to the poo?
A We take it back to Devon and compost it for two years then grow flowers in it.

Q Do you make money from the compost?
A No we do not, under regulation, it’s for our own use only.

Q Why are there cornflakes, veg peelings and cereal bar packets in the box?
A That would be yesterday’s tea and this mornings breakfast leftovers. We put anything in that is biodegradable. This deals with some rubbish that would otherwise probably go to landfill and makes for a better mixture in terms of different organic matter and texture of the materials for composting. We have added the waste from juice bars for neighboring traders and Download ask us to compost some of their back-of-house food waste. We try to avoid too much citrus going in, not so good!

Q Can you help me?
A Yes we can. How can we help? Be it minor first aid or a welfare issue we always offer assistance and support. Many people come to us who just need a sit down to be quiet and have a glass of water and vitamin c, some need to chat and a friendly ear to get their head straight. If you’re lost or a bit overwhelmed, pop in. If you’re not feeling too clever or down in the dumps, drop by, we’ll have you laughing. We are primarily there to run good toilets with a great soundtrack but we do offer help to anyone who needs. If you’re festival virgin click on the tab Families

Q Have I been standing here talking sh*t for ages?
A Yes sir you have and its been most entertaining but you’re boring me slightly now.

Q Do you call that comfy?
A Always tickles me, this question! We just thought the name sounded good at the time. We also use the name Happy Crappers, which was the second choice. We wonder if some people think the seats would be carpet covered and there would be a little mat around the loo? Can you imagine how unhygienic that would be? Yuck! They are cleaned constantly, they have loo-roll, there is reading material on the walls, they are lit at night, and they are comfortable airy spaces to be in. What more is there? Yes if you think of it do tell!

Q Will you be back next year?
A Well lets hope so because we’d hate to let a customer down.

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