YOU ASK US MOST
Q Are they
most certainly are! We’re passionate about it! Members
of the Loo Bandits are cleaning the loos all the time day and
night. We reckon each
throne is cleansed after about every second or third visitor,
sometimes more frequently. We use industrial eco-friendly cleaning
products so despite them being kind to the Earth they are not
kind on dirt.
WHAT YOU GUYS SAY-
• “Lovely clean and comfy very impressed Thanks” Cornbury
• “Super service, you all deserve a medal. My Mum was a stickler
for clean toilets and so as she has just died I had to write the above on her
behalf” Sara x Camp Bestival 2008
• “Thank you it was lovely to have a sit down in comfortableness!” Bex
x Big Chill 2007
• “Wow soooo clean. Best toilet I’ve had all week thank
you” Ting Electric Picnic 2007
• “I nearly fell asleep in the jacks that’s how comfy I
was.” Electric Picnic 2008
• “An oasis of loveliness in a sea of shit!” xx Bestival
• “Thank you that was so much nicer than any festival loo so
far” xx Bestival 2007
• “Cleaner than your average big bear toilet.” Crazy
Dave, Stourport –on-Severn Electric Picnic 2007
• “Brilliant bogs, nice and clean, fabuloso!!!” Download
• “Awesome crappers, top notch!” Download 2007
come they don’t
smell bad for big boxes of poo?
the flue system takes all the bad gas smells up and away. Sometimes in the
morning there can be nasty
niffs about if the loos are busy (the results of some people having too much
beer and curry the night before) but this is nothing drastic and many people
still comment they don’t smell, it really depends on the person and also
the festival it seems. It’s a bit like many bathrooms on a Saturday morning
in the house of any full red-blooded male, ‘you’ll wanna give that
five minutes!’ Needless to say we should start up a small franchise in
WHAT YOU GUYS SAY-
• “Clean smelling toilet! A first for the festivals. We loved
them x” Oxegen 2006
• “They really don’t smell!! Great! Mud,…what mud?
Rain…noooo!” Glastonbury 2007
• “We’re camped right next to you and they don’t
smell! What a refreshing change!” Tibs and Sara xxx Cornbury 2008
• “While the porta loos are stinking after 3 days the CC’s
are still sweet, lovely” Camp Bestival 2008
• “Well done for not making it smell” Bob Camp Bestival
• “We like your toilets because they are made of wood, you get
a spoon, they’re not stinky” Gracie aged 4 Camp Bestival 2008
• “Smells a bit weird but good weird!” Camp Bestival
Q Can we look in one before
A Yes, we’ll
show you one, give you a little tour and you can ask any questions you may
Q Why do we have
costs a colossal amount to bring you these fine facilities, run it
the way we do and
compost the waste in a safe environment. Despite wanting us to be
there, many festivals will not or cannot pay our full costs for being
there and whilst we might love to perfect living on fresh air, it
just ain’t possible. We do try to keep our fees reasonable
and do deals on the 3 Plop Pounds and 7 Brown Crowns.
WHAT YOU SAY
• “Best £13 spent yet – great
• “Best £2 I ever spent! I could’ve sat there all
day! Outstanding :n) big love” Bestival 2008
• “Best £2 spent ever!” :n) V Chelmsford 2006
• “Best crap ever!!! Worth every penny” Electric Picnic
• “You can’t put a price on hygiene! Excellent, great idea.
Thank you so much” Kim xx Oxegen 2006
• “Better than sex!! Worth every penny and absolute delight!” Big
• “Worth every penny – a bit of comfort – nothing
like it. Thanks to helpful friendly staff you made me laugh!” Big
• “Thank you so much the idea is amazing xxxx Best deal at this
festival! So worth the money” : - ) Big Chill 2007
• “I’m delighted to be a fully paid up member of the Comfy
Crappers Club!!” Suz Big Chill 2008
• “Best £10 ever spent” Ellie and Millie North
Wales x Big Chill 2008
Q What are the wooden spoons
tell us which loo is empty and can be cleaned, they tell you which
loo to go to,
the spoon then is used to lock the door. The spoon lock confuses
many people, it’s so simple when we show you how and you feel
simple when we show you how…everyone does!
Q Are the spoons
we always say, ‘how
did you pay?’ They reply ‘with cash’. We say, ‘how
many people who haven’t washed their hands after using the
toilet or scratching their arse do you think had touched that money?’ That’s
where they glaze over! The whole point is that the last thing you
do AFTER handing the spoon back in and before you leave is to sanitise
your hands with the gel we use. As of this season we will be wiping
the spoon handles more frequently with disinfectant throughout service
and staff are very careful about our own habits and the order we
clean a toilet in as a matter of course. If you are still concerned
please click on the ‘Wooden spoons! Do you think that’s
wise?’ box on the basics/home page.
Q How do you lock
this dam door?
the spoon handle through the holes in the door frame in front of
you, abit above your
knees as you sit down, right by the arrows written on the door saying
spoon you loon! Yes right there! That’s it now you’ve
one. We do not have any need to use water; it is wasteful and
polluting to our most precious resource. We throw down sawdust
into the box, and hay or straw once a day, fruit and veg peelings
etc. This all helps the composting mixture.
Q Why can you see
the mess in the box?
looking down the hole! Because we do not have water we cannot have
a substance that sticks like sh*t doing just that in a traditional
loo bowl. People do not know what to expect and yes you can see down
the hole but it is quite dark in the box plus the fact that we keep
it looking pleasant down there.
Q What does composting
A It means essentially
that you poo in a box, we take the boxes home and compost the contents
in the same way people compost their food waste in funny shape
black bins at the end of the garden, the dung heap at horse stables
or grass clippings. Very basically, the organic matter breaks down,
goes through a heat process, changes structure and look and ends
up like any compost similar to what you buy in bags to grow plants
in, from garden centers.
Q Why are there
no papers or magazines?
used to put them in but it was felt that they became too much
hygiene worry. Lets just say they got abit soggy! For the love
of God not only can some men not listen or read but those men
also cannot seem to aim very well either, or they thought ‘cheeky
mare asking me to sit down to pee, what an insult to my manhood’ and
decided to piss on the paper! Please men take the weight off,
relax and HEAVENS GAMURGATROID JUST SIT THE F** DOWN!
Q Why do men
have to sit down?
the way it works, the wee has to go down the blue funnel at the
front not straight down into the box. If you need any more reason
refer to above.
Q Do you know
there are several spelling mistakes on the fact sheets?
absolutely no one at all has ever mentioned it, not once, thanks
that out, I’ll get right on it!
Q What time
are you open?
in the arena we have to go by the standard times for those
events. If we are in the campsite areas we usually open somewhere
between 7am and 8am.
Q What time
are you closed?
A As per above for
arenas and in campsites we close anywhere from 12am to 4am depending
Q Do you open
on the Monday morning?
we do. We aim to open at 7am if it’s physically possible
(being up and down more times than a fiddlers elbow can really
it out of you by that point) and close at 10 or 11am sharp
and no later than that time due to site restrictions on our
are the showers?
A That way!
Q Do you
A Yes we do,
and plasters, tissues, lip balm with a sun bloc stick attached,
ladies sanitary thingamies and much more.
Q Do you
sell sanitary towels and tampons?
give out singles to ladies using our loos. We can sell you
to tied you over and direct you to a reliable source if we
don’t have enough.
Q Can two
people use a wristband?
A No they cannot,
its one wristband per person and no swapping over. Unless
I master teleportation and my money tree goes bazurk that
is how it will remain of course.
Q Why are
you changing my wristband?
A If it looks
like it is so loose you are in danger of loosing it or getting
it caught on something we change it. If it looks stretched
or damaged in any way we shall replace it immediately.
this wristband make me a VIP?
our eyes, very important pooers, always! Whilst we’re grateful
for your supporting what we do, we’re sorry to say
that if there is a queue, the wristband does not permit you
to jump to the front. The wristband enables us to pass a
better deal onto the customers who are our true fans. We
do attempt to entertain the queue with bingo when time allows.
We welcome any suggestions you may have for new activities.
We would like to see the introduction of ‘poop pop
mobility’ to get those bowels ready for action and
you set for your day, team quizzes and human dog shows.
Q Can I
jump the queue?
try it if I were you the three pensive women behind look
like they would floor you in an instant. For little children
who are absolutely busting or anyone in actual physical danger
of having an undignified accident do just come straight to
the front. I’m sure no one would mind, they would hate
to be in the same position I’m sure!
Q Do children
A No they do
not if they are obviously children or if they are slightly
older and with their parents. This is at our discretion.
Q Do pregnant
pregnant women do not have to pay? Without bulges or requesting
you pee on a ‘clear blue’ test stick we cannot
be sure who is and isn’t pregnant but we love helping
out any expectant mum we just cannot be inundated with a
host of phantom pregnancies so if you are in the early stages
and peeing like a race horse come and have a chat, see what
we can do. Obviously this is also at our discretion.
Q I have
urinary infection/IBS, can you help me?
A Yes we can,
get in touch via email before an event or come ask and we
can have a discreet chat.
Q I have
crones disease/colitis can you help me?
A Yes we can,
see as per above.
a diabetic, can you help?
A Yes we can.
We can provide a private place where you can inject insulin
or do blood tests. Should you require any further assistance
do always ask.
Q I wear
contact lenses can you help?
A Yes we can.
We can provide a clean area and mirrors for you to change
Q What happens
to the poo?
A We take it
back to Devon and compost it for two years then grow flowers
Q Do you
make money from the compost?
we do not, under regulation, it’s for our own use only.
Q Why are
there cornflakes, veg peelings and cereal bar packets in
would be yesterday’s tea and this mornings breakfast
leftovers. We put anything in that is biodegradable. This
some rubbish that would otherwise probably go to landfill
and makes for a better mixture in terms of different organic
matter and texture of the materials for composting. We have
added the waste from juice bars for neighboring traders and
Download ask us to compost some of their back-of-house food
waste. We try to avoid too much citrus going in, not so good!
Q Can you
we can. How can we help? Be it minor first aid or a welfare
we always offer assistance and support. Many people come
to us who just need a sit down to be quiet and have a glass
of water and vitamin c, some need to chat and a friendly
ear to get their head straight. If you’re lost or a
bit overwhelmed, pop in. If you’re not feeling too
clever or down in the dumps, drop by, we’ll have you
laughing. We are primarily there to run good toilets with
a great soundtrack but we do offer help to anyone who needs.
If you’re festival virgin click on the tab Families
Q Have I
been standing here talking sh*t for ages?
sir you have and its been most entertaining but you’re
boring me slightly now.
Q Do you
call that comfy?
A Always tickles
me, this question! We just thought the name sounded good
at the time. We also use the name Happy Crappers, which was
the second choice. We wonder if some people think the seats
would be carpet covered and there would be a little mat around
the loo? Can you imagine how unhygienic that would be? Yuck!
They are cleaned constantly, they have loo-roll, there is
reading material on the walls, they are lit at night, and
they are comfortable airy spaces to be in. What more is there?
Yes if you think of it do tell!
you be back next year?
lets hope so because we’d hate to let a customer down.